Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
she told me i tasted like america
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
