I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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