he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
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the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
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Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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