Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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