What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
