my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
