There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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