Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
