you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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