Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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