...so i touched it.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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