I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
