I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
