I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
