Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
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after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
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Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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