Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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