i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
