party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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