I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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