I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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