my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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