I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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