I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
