He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
