What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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