you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
