genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
