You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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