My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
