I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
