my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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