I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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