Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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