my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
