my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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