I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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