A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
