What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!