Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
