I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
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you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
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my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?