I like my sex mixed with concussions.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
