Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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