Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
