my phone needs a breathalizer
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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