dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize