I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
