Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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