I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
