how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
