You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
