You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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