i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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