so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
