I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
