I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
